"What did I do Wrong with my Girls?"

My father's favorite line after 'Are we having fun yet girls?' is 'What did I do wrong with my girls?'

Now the first one always brought about the effect of annoyance that he desired and gave him a chuckle. The second one has unfortunately ingrained its self into each and every one of us - manifesting in different ways. The first reaction that we all have, I think, is anger. Immediate anger that he dare think we are bad. I remember countless arguments when I listed all the things that we could be and weren't to show the light onto what we are. Amazing talented woman who are independent. The independent thing is what I believe is the problem for my father. Because in our independence we do not do what he wants us to do. Of course we like to point out the fact that we are not drug addicts, we were not pregnant at 16, we all have successful lives, but still he says it. And it grates.

There are only so many times you can hear that and not think to yourself, well what is wrong with me? I think my sisters and I know inside that there is nothing wrong with us. It is only that we are fighting for our instinctive right to live our lives as we see fit. To be our own persons.

The older I get the more tendencies I am learning to pick out as learned from my parents or the community I grew up in. And the easier it is to then work on getting past them with the knowledge that my relatives did the best they could given the circumstances they were in. I love them and honor everything they have given me - including the gift of figuring life out for myself.

1) I feel like I cant sit down and just be, that i have to be productive every waking minute when I am not at an 8-5. This is learned from my mother, who had learned it from her mother.

2) I am hard on myself, punishing myself for human tendencies that aren't worth a second thought. This I learned from Dad. And I don't know where he learned it from, or if it was a result of his home environment. But Pop is a professional at putting himself down for any kind of failure and falling into depressive state, when in fact the so called failure is nothing of the kind.

3) Lack of communication. That is a community originated one. For I know that dad learned from his family, and mom from hers. The silence, the tendency to repress, repress, repress. The inability to show love. The inability to listen openly.

4)Low self worth. This was a combination learned from both mom and dad, and the community. My self worth as a woman came later in life. Is still coming. I see that it is still coming with my sisters too. We see ourselves, or have in the past, as good only when we have the attentions of a man or recognition of a job. Because Dad seldom dealt out that proud father talk, because we could never get him to see us as us, so that when it felt like someone did see us, even for a moment then we gave him (or a job) all we had? We search for our self worth to be seen by others, searching for that validation that we are good. And this is where, 'what did I do wrong with my girls' a simple line has erupted into habits, thought patterns, and tendencies that are unhealthy. Learned habits that we have to change. I've been guilty of both - finding self worth in a man, and finding it in a job. My journey now - to find it within myself.

The relationships I've had in the past are testaments to that. One in particular. It was an abusive relationship - verbally, not physically to, just the furniture and objects in hands reach. He was an alcoholic. He was amazingly romantic, and loving when he was sober. He made me feel like I was the most important person in the world, that I was everything to him. He could see me for who I really was, something that no one, not family not friends, had done before. Yet he was jealous, mean, and violent when he was not sober. I was in that abusive cycle for nearly two years. I left my family for him, they didn't understand us. Things got really bad and I wanted out. He threatened suicide. My family intervened, thank goodness. But I missed him. Missed the sober him. And I wasn't getting that kind of 'love' from anywhere else. Then I left my family, and ignored the restraining order that I had against him, and I moved in with him. And when it got bad again my family helped me move out. And yet I went back again. Because there was a point when I didn't think that I could find anyone else. That there would never be someone who loved me as much as he did and even though it was going to be hard, I would do it. He loved me. And I wanted so much to be loved. To be needed. I remember saying yes to him when he asked me to marry him in the park. 'Okay, so this it.' I thought. I knew I was supposed to feel amazing, happy, and giddy but I didn't. I felt like I was accepting a lesser fate, or being a martyr. He loved me so much and I should say yes so that he could be happy, I should take care of him, he needed me. He got on the microphone at the cafe that night and told the whole room that the beautiful girl in the corner has agreed to be his wife. It was amazing how uncomfortable it was to hear that out loud.

What's funny is that I don't really remember how I suddenly woke up. How I suddenly had the clarity that I was meant for something better. That I could love him and wish him happiness, but I wanted more for myself then to just settle. The next while I did on my own not really telling my family everything. I left him, again. He did not take it well. Following me, getting out at red lights and banging on the car screaming. Banging on my door screaming at 3am while I huddled in the corner alone. It would have been easier to have stayed with him. Easy in the way that I wouldn't have to make some huge changes. I wouldn't have to learn to be on my own, to chance not finding someone who would love me as much, to take on an uncertain future. There is a part of you when you are in such a relationship cycle that prefers to stay with the familiar even if it is bad for you, because familiar is safe. That is true of not only relationships but so many habits we have in life. It will be hard to change, so we don't.

But I did. I moved. I found a new group of people to hang out with. I eventually met someone else. It took years to get over him though, it took him sleeping on my doorstep at the new home until the neighbors called the police, it took blocking his calls, yet I still missed him. He knew me, and I missed that 'knowing' when I was dating someone else. Someone who didn't get the inside jokes, who didn't like the same music. It took a long time. And even now I can think back to a fond memory of him. Though now I know I did the right thing in leaving. There were some hard times that followed, but wow how much I grew and did since then is baffling. I'm so glad I gave myself that chance.

I've also found my self worth in a job. Of which I am just recently separated from, and if one reads previous posts can see how hard it was. A break up of its own kind. It came down to my husband or my job. My husband was the place I wanted to put my energies, our dreams of our life needed to take precedence, and it was hard for me to see that for a long time because I felt so needed and validated in my job. Again, I was finding my worth in something other then myself. I left the job, then I went back to it, the cycle the same as in the last situation. It was hard, but I am so thankful in taking the path that was unknown, for now I am doing things I never thought possible, that were once only a whisp of a dream.

Both experiences have been lessons in finding my self worth from within, without the aid or need of others. To help me be able to hear my dad say, "what have I done wrong with my girls?" and be able to smile and respond, "nothing at all daddy, I'm sorry that you are working on some issues in your own life, but I am perfectly fine, I am an amazing woman, and I do not accept your gift of implied imperfections in my person."

I'm not completely there yet. I still lapse. But I am recognizing when I do, and I have the intentions of changing that. They say the same lesson will reappear in different forms until we finally learn it. I'm still learning it. But I'm an attentive student now - looking forward to graduating from this life lesson. Looking forward to that knowing, comfortable, unwavering knowing, that I am a piece of God, that I am worth everything and it isn't what someone else says, or does that makes it so. When I am so comfortable with myself that I don't need anything from outside sources. I don't material things, social acceptance, societal approval to be a successful human. I'm learning to love myself, and not need others love or attention to make me whole.

So I say this to you my sisters: You are priceless. Never settle for something less because you think you aren't worth more. Take time to really understand if you are making decisions because it is easier or because of hidden tendencies to need to feel needed and validated, or because they are the right step for you. You don't need a job to define you, you don't need a man. You are amazing. You are beautiful. You are God.

You may not read this. You may and laugh or shake your head. You may get angry at me. You may tell me to butt out. But it's out there, and you'll find it if you are meant to I think. Just know that I support you in anything and everything. Just promise to be true to yourself always.

I love you guys

Untitled

I have so much in me. So much that wants to burst forth. I want to dance under the moon, I want to scream and scream until I cry tears of joy. I want to run with abandon. I want to be covered in paint, covered, covered in dirt, covered in ink, covered in clay. Covered in creation. So what is it that holds me back? What are these rules that I have ingrained from my early years of life that are telling what I must and must not do? These guidelines of life and living that are a hindrance more then an aid.

What was it that I was listening to the other day that stated, ‘if we had learned it all correctly when we were young we’d be fine now, but the reality is that we have to relearn everything that we were taught from 0 to 18 because our parents, bless their hearts, never learned it either.’

So here we are relearning. And I think I am pretty far along for what I’ve got to do. But I also must be kind to myself, for I am still relearning, and every moment is a part of the process.

So I welcome each moment, each learning moment. Each step along the way, and I am okay with the journey. For it is a journey.

Biography: the missing 8 months, no one knows . . .

And then she dresses up as Super Woman for Halloween 8 months later (didn't she read her last post?) . . .





Oooh can I be like a cool author that has an undocumented period of time in which no one can account for their activities? That always makes for a good biography story. I always wanted to be mysterious.



"No one knows exactly where she went, but after being gone for 8 months she emerges again on the island, this time as a yoga instructor"




Alone. Again. Funny, though it happens every 4 months or so it really is a new experience each time. And I do suppose that I learn more each time, and each time I can recognize better the 'emotions' that go with it so I am better prepared. But it is always when I am in the home stretch, the last month or so till he comes home, that I start to really get edgy and lonely.





I sometimes laugh at the amazing way I have manifested my inner desires and fears; I have a fear of being alone, and I love having my independance and alone time. Quite the Dichotomy.

mmmmm . . .

Ah but the world is wonderful at the same time. Amazing things are happening, beautiful good things are happening. The universe is putting things together and the manifestations are abounding. Life is good, and though I miss my other half, it wont always be so, besides he is here, and the proof is in the frequency of moments in which we are writing each other, or thinking of each other and the phone rings right on cue.

and then . . .

and then she commits to staying . . .

and then she commits to getting trained further . . .

and then she goes to the states for two weeks . . .

and then she see's her husband for a week . . .

and then she deals with guilt for doing what she wanted . . . .

and then she overcomes that guilt and tries to be super woman . . .

and then she reminds herself that she is not . . .

and then she breathes . . . .

Calming the Warrior

Last week I decided that I had somehow manifested myself into working again. I spent two months traveling in a camper with my now husband, and the whole time I worried about money. I worried about having my own, about depending on someone else, etc, etc. So wham bam, I get off the plane back on my island for a mer 5 hours and I get a call from the school asking me to step into the elementary class, they are in a bind. Of course I say yes, how could I not I ask? The need to be needed? The relief of having a paycheck?

I resented that decision for three weeks afterwards as I walked into the class two days off the plane, while planing a wedding. I put off my honeymoon, I said, what the hell did I get myself into.

Marriage, a long winter break, my husband ships out, and all of a sudden I am reminded of two things. Of course they have to be contradictory. 1) I love teaching, I'm good at it, and I am damned passionate about it. 2) I dont have that alone time I was planning on in order to create my best seller. So I decided that I manifested the job.

Throughout this the school is hoping that I will stay on. And I do not feel ready to commit as my husband and I want to start a family, i dont want to leave my child at home with a nanny while I teach.

And then BOOM. The school board wants to change the curriculum at the elementary level. What? Are you serious? Of course at this point the children and I are doing great. Yeah I am not trained for those grades, but I've got it rolling, they are improving, they are learning and happy.

Then that passion arises yet again. It kills me absolutly kills me to hear this. All my efforts, all my time, done, down the drain. And the reasoning is the worst. The reasoning is so beyond the actuality of the past situations that I want to scream! Of course I write a very concise letter outlining concerns and then possible solutions. But its not enough.

So is this where I need to be? My husband and I decide I should be working. I see the tell tale rainbow as soon as I decide I will stay and get trained officially. I always trust the rainbows, they have been right each time.

Yet some how I see it failing. I see the school fading away in the future. And perhaps I should just let it. Perhaps I should not try to save it. Calm the warrior and just watch it's demise.

Time Flies - I hate that saying

But it does. Time flies, life happens and before you know it your married and teaching elementary school. It would take ages to fill in the gaps, but really that is not what this is for. So beyond a brief statement in regards to the insanely wonderful way the universe kicks into action and changes your life, I will not linger on the time between posts.

For now I've got something to say.

But because I am an organizing freak I will first post this so that my new rant has its own special place in the next post.

“I feel as if I am floating, taking it all in, letting it wash over my body . . ."

I feel a bit like I’ve been floating these nomadic days of travel. From desert to mountains, climbing up altitudes and then twisting down again. People we know come in and out of the picture. Friends from random points of both of our lives are dotting the trail we’re on, each with something valuable for us to gain from them. I go back and forth from loving the solitude of just us to craving a sit down with a good girl friend, to wanting to simply be done with people for good.

There are long moments of nothing, where I keep thinking I should be coming up with some amazing epiphany, but no all I am doing is counting the cows on the side of the road. That’s okay. It would be hard to be philosophical all the time. And some one must count those cows. But for the most part I feel like I am just needing to float, to let all the simple things flow through my finger tips. To relax on thinking, on thinking what I should be thinking, thinking what I should be doing, or not doing. To just float and be okay with the world going on in my absence, or rather to be okay with my old world going on in my absence and okay with the floating status of the new.

Those big moments of understanding have tended to sneak up in a split second, some swoop by a few times before deciding to land. And in the few weeks that we have been traveling there have been a few. Perhaps it is too soon to acknowledge them, but perhaps it is not. Perhaps we will state them here as a prelude to future embellishments of thought, I always liked the preview the best at the movies:

You cant make everyone happy, and you have to be okay that some people are not going to like you, and the best you can do is surround them with love and acknowledge their process, what they are needing. And right now there is someone that is needing so very badly to hate me. And I need to allow her to do that.

I’m finding an understanding of myself in the difficulty there is in being someone who has strives for so long to be independent of others, yet needs the security of them at the same time. Understanding in the fight between what I know and want to live like and the way my community raised me.

Understanding the power of the earth itself, the voices of your inner desires and mother nature – how to follow those and not be defined by a society or another persons schedule.

Loving with abandon.

Finding a home within ones self as a nomadic traveler.

Really being undefined by the opinions of others. And the emotions of others. Creating that impenetrable shield in which only love goes in and out.

Stay tuned for the feature . . . just allow for a little float time first.