Last week I decided that I had somehow manifested myself into working again. I spent two months traveling in a camper with my now husband, and the whole time I worried about money. I worried about having my own, about depending on someone else, etc, etc. So wham bam, I get off the plane back on my island for a mer 5 hours and I get a call from the school asking me to step into the elementary class, they are in a bind. Of course I say yes, how could I not I ask? The need to be needed? The relief of having a paycheck?
I resented that decision for three weeks afterwards as I walked into the class two days off the plane, while planing a wedding. I put off my honeymoon, I said, what the hell did I get myself into.
Marriage, a long winter break, my husband ships out, and all of a sudden I am reminded of two things. Of course they have to be contradictory. 1) I love teaching, I'm good at it, and I am damned passionate about it. 2) I dont have that alone time I was planning on in order to create my best seller. So I decided that I manifested the job.
Throughout this the school is hoping that I will stay on. And I do not feel ready to commit as my husband and I want to start a family, i dont want to leave my child at home with a nanny while I teach.
And then BOOM. The school board wants to change the curriculum at the elementary level. What? Are you serious? Of course at this point the children and I are doing great. Yeah I am not trained for those grades, but I've got it rolling, they are improving, they are learning and happy.
Then that passion arises yet again. It kills me absolutly kills me to hear this. All my efforts, all my time, done, down the drain. And the reasoning is the worst. The reasoning is so beyond the actuality of the past situations that I want to scream! Of course I write a very concise letter outlining concerns and then possible solutions. But its not enough.
So is this where I need to be? My husband and I decide I should be working. I see the tell tale rainbow as soon as I decide I will stay and get trained officially. I always trust the rainbows, they have been right each time.
Yet some how I see it failing. I see the school fading away in the future. And perhaps I should just let it. Perhaps I should not try to save it. Calm the warrior and just watch it's demise.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Time Flies - I hate that saying
But it does. Time flies, life happens and before you know it your married and teaching elementary school. It would take ages to fill in the gaps, but really that is not what this is for. So beyond a brief statement in regards to the insanely wonderful way the universe kicks into action and changes your life, I will not linger on the time between posts.
For now I've got something to say.
But because I am an organizing freak I will first post this so that my new rant has its own special place in the next post.
For now I've got something to say.
But because I am an organizing freak I will first post this so that my new rant has its own special place in the next post.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
“I feel as if I am floating, taking it all in, letting it wash over my body . . ."
I feel a bit like I’ve been floating these nomadic days of travel. From desert to mountains, climbing up altitudes and then twisting down again. People we know come in and out of the picture. Friends from random points of both of our lives are dotting the trail we’re on, each with something valuable for us to gain from them. I go back and forth from loving the solitude of just us to craving a sit down with a good girl friend, to wanting to simply be done with people for good.
There are long moments of nothing, where I keep thinking I should be coming up with some amazing epiphany, but no all I am doing is counting the cows on the side of the road. That’s okay. It would be hard to be philosophical all the time. And some one must count those cows. But for the most part I feel like I am just needing to float, to let all the simple things flow through my finger tips. To relax on thinking, on thinking what I should be thinking, thinking what I should be doing, or not doing. To just float and be okay with the world going on in my absence, or rather to be okay with my old world going on in my absence and okay with the floating status of the new.
Those big moments of understanding have tended to sneak up in a split second, some swoop by a few times before deciding to land. And in the few weeks that we have been traveling there have been a few. Perhaps it is too soon to acknowledge them, but perhaps it is not. Perhaps we will state them here as a prelude to future embellishments of thought, I always liked the preview the best at the movies:
You cant make everyone happy, and you have to be okay that some people are not going to like you, and the best you can do is surround them with love and acknowledge their process, what they are needing. And right now there is someone that is needing so very badly to hate me. And I need to allow her to do that.
I’m finding an understanding of myself in the difficulty there is in being someone who has strives for so long to be independent of others, yet needs the security of them at the same time. Understanding in the fight between what I know and want to live like and the way my community raised me.
Understanding the power of the earth itself, the voices of your inner desires and mother nature – how to follow those and not be defined by a society or another persons schedule.
Loving with abandon.
Finding a home within ones self as a nomadic traveler.
Really being undefined by the opinions of others. And the emotions of others. Creating that impenetrable shield in which only love goes in and out.
Stay tuned for the feature . . . just allow for a little float time first.
Blinded by the Food
Okay I admit it. I fell. I fell into consumerism. But does it count if it was food? It was early after our departure from Texas and into a weekend in Santa Fe that I found it. Trader Joes. Like a beacon the sign rose up from the faux adobe walls that Santa Fe insists all its businesses to adopt. It was even more exciting because it was my partners first time at a TJ’s. We walked in, my jaw dropped, and for the next 40 minutes I was in a state of, well I was in an orgasmic state at the sight of all the vegetables, the fruit, the organic reasonably priced unique shopping experience! It was perfect for camper world, our current home for two months. Small packages of pre-cut sweet potatoes, zucchini, stirfry mix. Perfect two portion sized fish and meats. Trail mix, yoghurt that was less then $8! No pudge brownie mix, and of course, 2 Buck Chuck. I had to restrain myself from buying 6 cases of the cheaply priced, but decent tasting wine, as the couple in the parking lot had in order to take back with them to Colorado.
We moved quickly, and tried to get out as fast as we can, and though the bill was in the hundreds, it was a fraction of what it would be at a whole foods. As we walked the cart to the camper we both looked at each other, a little shocked, spent.
What did it all mean? Had I succumbed to what I was at first revolting from? So I began to reevaluate my America opinions. I began to make exceptions for good healthy organic foods, and for the fact that recycling is now prevalent, and there are movies, and there are yoga studios, and good sandwich shops, and good beer. Hmmm, but wait . . . all those things are true in Indonesia too, and it is a fraction of the cost. Oh goodness. Oh goodness.
We moved quickly, and tried to get out as fast as we can, and though the bill was in the hundreds, it was a fraction of what it would be at a whole foods. As we walked the cart to the camper we both looked at each other, a little shocked, spent.
What did it all mean? Had I succumbed to what I was at first revolting from? So I began to reevaluate my America opinions. I began to make exceptions for good healthy organic foods, and for the fact that recycling is now prevalent, and there are movies, and there are yoga studios, and good sandwich shops, and good beer. Hmmm, but wait . . . all those things are true in Indonesia too, and it is a fraction of the cost. Oh goodness. Oh goodness.
Monday, September 22, 2008
America – The Bold, Big, and Ridiculous
Three days since arriving on my home soil, and I am beginning to get disillusioned. At first the largeness and the ability to have anything you need at a finger tip was a novelty. How fun! Look at all the beers, all the vegetables, all the different kinds of toilet paper, juices, how do you pick a toothpaste? But as we drive back and forth from one humungous store to the next outfitting our camper for the tour across Western and Midwest America, I started to get a funny taste in my mouth. A kind of unfortunate wish I didn’t eat that taste.
As Hummer after Hummer drove by, as large after large human passed, as choice after choice presented itself I found myself wanting to bolt to back to my little island where you have to search 5 stores to find a part that might not even exist on the island and requires ordering from the states. Where there are only a few choices of cheese and frozen vegetables (expiration dates are for sissy’s), and once in a while a zucchini shows up that is not bruised and dented from the ship it came over on.
Upon further inspection I started to notice the empty yards. It was a lovely day, only 75 or 80 degrees F. Yet no one was outside. No children biking down the street, no one working in the yard. The huge yards, neatly manicured, recreation vehicles standing at the ready, but no humans. Where are they? In the cars, the SUV’s, going from one activity to the next, one store to the next. Zoom, zoom ya’ll.
‘Really,’ I say to myself, ‘you came from this why should it be such a shock? Why should buying product after product at super sized stores in super sized vehicles, then stopping by the super sized church be a shock?’ It is no wander that we Americans are huge, are ignorant, are dumfounded at the rest of the world. We have everything that we could possibly need neatly located on a shelf down the street in a huge warehouse of a store.
Ah but I know I am shell shocked. And they are good people, I happen to know that because I know many of them, and I adore them and love them, but the masses, the large picture, it just turns my little island head round and round a few times. It makes me appreciate living without. And it puts me in check when I get all excited at the ‘things’ you can get in America. And you know, it makes me long for a little island where you are spared the ‘As Seen on TV’ Margarita-Ville blender that makes perfect margaritas for $349.99, or the egg heel scraper to get those calluses off, or the $9.99 purse organizer.
Ah . . . America . . . Welcome Home
The silver lining!!!!
I am happy to report that many of the large warehouse stores are pushing reusable shopping bags as opposed to the plastic that is damaging so much of the world. Good job corporate headquarters! And yes, they do come in 'super-size.'
As Hummer after Hummer drove by, as large after large human passed, as choice after choice presented itself I found myself wanting to bolt to back to my little island where you have to search 5 stores to find a part that might not even exist on the island and requires ordering from the states. Where there are only a few choices of cheese and frozen vegetables (expiration dates are for sissy’s), and once in a while a zucchini shows up that is not bruised and dented from the ship it came over on.
Upon further inspection I started to notice the empty yards. It was a lovely day, only 75 or 80 degrees F. Yet no one was outside. No children biking down the street, no one working in the yard. The huge yards, neatly manicured, recreation vehicles standing at the ready, but no humans. Where are they? In the cars, the SUV’s, going from one activity to the next, one store to the next. Zoom, zoom ya’ll.
‘Really,’ I say to myself, ‘you came from this why should it be such a shock? Why should buying product after product at super sized stores in super sized vehicles, then stopping by the super sized church be a shock?’ It is no wander that we Americans are huge, are ignorant, are dumfounded at the rest of the world. We have everything that we could possibly need neatly located on a shelf down the street in a huge warehouse of a store.
Ah but I know I am shell shocked. And they are good people, I happen to know that because I know many of them, and I adore them and love them, but the masses, the large picture, it just turns my little island head round and round a few times. It makes me appreciate living without. And it puts me in check when I get all excited at the ‘things’ you can get in America. And you know, it makes me long for a little island where you are spared the ‘As Seen on TV’ Margarita-Ville blender that makes perfect margaritas for $349.99, or the egg heel scraper to get those calluses off, or the $9.99 purse organizer.
Ah . . . America . . . Welcome Home
The silver lining!!!!
I am happy to report that many of the large warehouse stores are pushing reusable shopping bags as opposed to the plastic that is damaging so much of the world. Good job corporate headquarters! And yes, they do come in 'super-size.'
Monday, September 1, 2008
Without
I am learning to live without. Without power, without water, without computers, without internet. I am learning to live with patience, learning to change plans at a moments notice. To always have a bucket or two filled with water. To take a shower at 3am if you wake up and find that there is power, to grind the coffee beans when you can, to buy non perishable foods, to cook only with a butane stove and to eat by candle light. I am learning to enjoy the hammock, to do yoga on the balcony, and to get to the ocean to cool off. Through it all I am in a state of incredible gratitude. For with all there is to learn to be without these days due to the power being on a total of 12 hours a day and at random intervals, there is so much to be thankful for. And there is an incredible amount of love surrounding it all. My partner is home. And for the first time in many, many months, I am feeling complete.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Life knocked me off my platform . . . but I've got an appointment on Thursday . . .
(The following post was written one week ago and thus comes before the Neon Arrow post, yet was not ready to be unleashed until now. . . )
The body is an amazing, incredible, precious thing. And a woman’s even more so for from it comes life.
I’ve always gone back and forth about children. I think I want them, I enjoy them, yet as a teacher I realize what it takes to be a good parent, to raise a child, I help parents through the hard times and am glad when I go home to my dogs who require only a belly rub, a little walk and a cuddle. Those aspects make me rethink the idea of motherhood. And they make me carefully think about bringing a child into the world, with whom, at what point in life.
For awhile I said that I would never want a child if I was not stable, had a well paying job, and a stellar partner. The joke these days that goes with picking a father is, “is this the man you want your children spending their weekends with.” Hmm what does that say about our society and about how we choose relationships and partners in life? And then there is adopting. I always had a funny feeling that I wouldn’t be able to have children that I would adopt even if I could. There are so many children that don’t have a home, how could I deny them one for selfishly wanting to create my own?
Tonight I did a summersault, half twist, nose dive, into a completely different frame of mind. I’m three days away from a doctor’s appointment that will let me know if there is cancer or not. And to find out they do a procedure that may have to be repeated for a few years as they keep checking. The procedure and even the treatment if there are cancer cells create risk factors in future pregnancies. Silly me I researched way to far until the hysterectomy word loomed in front of my face – blinking on and off with a crackle like a vacancy sign on a sleazy hotel. A hotel where countless ‘accidents’ happen giving children to mothers that have no idea how to care for them.
The past weeks I have been finding friends and family members who have been scared in this way, some much older after they’ve had a family, some younger on the verge. Talking with them I realized how I’m more scared of the thought of never having children, then of anything else. That is what makes the tears come. Not the doctors, not the description of procedures, not even the idea of being alone through this – well okay that part does suck but I am thankful to have friends that will come with me and pick me up, and hold my hand.
Years ago a roommate of mine had ovarian cancer. Her family was not around and I became the shoulder she leaned on. She was older then me, divorced, and had once been pregnant as a teenager, but aborted the child as her family wished. I will never forget bursting through the doors adorned with “no visitor’s allowed” after not being told where or what was happening, and finding her through the curtains of surgery prep cubicles. A pen in her hand, tears in her eyes, her body shaking as a nurse waited for her to sign the form that stated she understood that after the surgery to remove the cancer she would never have children.
And though I know now after researching this thing, that the chances of cancer are only 15%, that if it is they can get it out quickly – I’m beside myself, thinking of her in that surgical gown signing away her uterus, her motherhood.
I don’t think I am ready for children. I don’t have a job, a savings, hoping to have enough to get the jeep out of the shop. My partner, I know he likes the thought of children, but I don’t know that he understands what it means, especially for the mother, what it takes to be a family, and to be a parent. We’re just figuring out what it means to feed a healthy relationship with each other.
And at the same time, this appointment on Thursday, for the first time in my life I feel like I am on a schedule. Like I need to let nature take its course. My roommate was 34 when she lost her uterus. That’s not that far away.
It’s a precious thing to be a human. It’s a precious thing to be a woman. It’s a precious thing to be able to house life.
I have faith that it will all be fine, I’m manifesting that it was all a mix up anyway.
Almost a week later : Biopsy Smiopsy, I offered to personally take them to Hawaii, it would be fresher I argued, but alas the larger part of me is still here, and in three weeks they will tell me what level and if we wait and cheer the white blood cells to do their job, or if we do a little zip zap and just 'get er' done.' All in all it will be gone, it is not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things because it was an early catch. I had a great friend with me, and great friends afterwards.
However, the emotional and mental process of this 'catch' was a whirlwind and still is. And it made some things clear. I'm done waiting forever to get going on this sharing a life and creating a life thing. I'm ready to settle, in the light terms of settling. Meaning I want to start making steps to life partner family planning. No need for there not to still be adventures just family in tow instead of dinner for one. I'm not interested in waiting around for someone else to be ready. I am interested in taking steps forward, not meandering around for long periods of time waiting for everything to be exactly perfect. Because, things are never going to be exactly perfect. They are only going to be what they are, and as long as they are surrounded by good Intentions, Love, Communication, Partnership and Trust they will be good.
The body is an amazing, incredible, precious thing. And a woman’s even more so for from it comes life.
I’ve always gone back and forth about children. I think I want them, I enjoy them, yet as a teacher I realize what it takes to be a good parent, to raise a child, I help parents through the hard times and am glad when I go home to my dogs who require only a belly rub, a little walk and a cuddle. Those aspects make me rethink the idea of motherhood. And they make me carefully think about bringing a child into the world, with whom, at what point in life.
For awhile I said that I would never want a child if I was not stable, had a well paying job, and a stellar partner. The joke these days that goes with picking a father is, “is this the man you want your children spending their weekends with.” Hmm what does that say about our society and about how we choose relationships and partners in life? And then there is adopting. I always had a funny feeling that I wouldn’t be able to have children that I would adopt even if I could. There are so many children that don’t have a home, how could I deny them one for selfishly wanting to create my own?
Tonight I did a summersault, half twist, nose dive, into a completely different frame of mind. I’m three days away from a doctor’s appointment that will let me know if there is cancer or not. And to find out they do a procedure that may have to be repeated for a few years as they keep checking. The procedure and even the treatment if there are cancer cells create risk factors in future pregnancies. Silly me I researched way to far until the hysterectomy word loomed in front of my face – blinking on and off with a crackle like a vacancy sign on a sleazy hotel. A hotel where countless ‘accidents’ happen giving children to mothers that have no idea how to care for them.
The past weeks I have been finding friends and family members who have been scared in this way, some much older after they’ve had a family, some younger on the verge. Talking with them I realized how I’m more scared of the thought of never having children, then of anything else. That is what makes the tears come. Not the doctors, not the description of procedures, not even the idea of being alone through this – well okay that part does suck but I am thankful to have friends that will come with me and pick me up, and hold my hand.
Years ago a roommate of mine had ovarian cancer. Her family was not around and I became the shoulder she leaned on. She was older then me, divorced, and had once been pregnant as a teenager, but aborted the child as her family wished. I will never forget bursting through the doors adorned with “no visitor’s allowed” after not being told where or what was happening, and finding her through the curtains of surgery prep cubicles. A pen in her hand, tears in her eyes, her body shaking as a nurse waited for her to sign the form that stated she understood that after the surgery to remove the cancer she would never have children.
And though I know now after researching this thing, that the chances of cancer are only 15%, that if it is they can get it out quickly – I’m beside myself, thinking of her in that surgical gown signing away her uterus, her motherhood.
I don’t think I am ready for children. I don’t have a job, a savings, hoping to have enough to get the jeep out of the shop. My partner, I know he likes the thought of children, but I don’t know that he understands what it means, especially for the mother, what it takes to be a family, and to be a parent. We’re just figuring out what it means to feed a healthy relationship with each other.
And at the same time, this appointment on Thursday, for the first time in my life I feel like I am on a schedule. Like I need to let nature take its course. My roommate was 34 when she lost her uterus. That’s not that far away.
It’s a precious thing to be a human. It’s a precious thing to be a woman. It’s a precious thing to be able to house life.
I have faith that it will all be fine, I’m manifesting that it was all a mix up anyway.
Almost a week later : Biopsy Smiopsy, I offered to personally take them to Hawaii, it would be fresher I argued, but alas the larger part of me is still here, and in three weeks they will tell me what level and if we wait and cheer the white blood cells to do their job, or if we do a little zip zap and just 'get er' done.' All in all it will be gone, it is not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things because it was an early catch. I had a great friend with me, and great friends afterwards.
However, the emotional and mental process of this 'catch' was a whirlwind and still is. And it made some things clear. I'm done waiting forever to get going on this sharing a life and creating a life thing. I'm ready to settle, in the light terms of settling. Meaning I want to start making steps to life partner family planning. No need for there not to still be adventures just family in tow instead of dinner for one. I'm not interested in waiting around for someone else to be ready. I am interested in taking steps forward, not meandering around for long periods of time waiting for everything to be exactly perfect. Because, things are never going to be exactly perfect. They are only going to be what they are, and as long as they are surrounded by good Intentions, Love, Communication, Partnership and Trust they will be good.
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