The Road to Dependence and How I fought the Ego Bandit

I have spent my career thus far preaching to parents to please allow your youngsters independence in order to aid their natural development. Granted I am talking about letting them walk for themselves, put on their own clothes, solve their own problems when the glue runs out how will they attach the cut out turkey to the card for Grandma. And I have spent my entire adolescence and twenties wanting to do it my way, without depending on anyone.

Since 11 I’ve had an income. Babysitting money, pizza parlor money, walking beans, detasselling corn, waiting tables and the list goes on. I worked ever summer since I could drive, and in Iowa I got away with that by age 14 and a half. I remembered the hard times growing up, the grocery bags delivered by the church do-gooders, the scrimping. It didn’t effect me too much then, I just went outside and made mud pies and climbed trees, but I saw what effect it had on my parents and I didn’t want to ever be a burden, it was obvious that lack of money made people angry and sad. Of course as a teenager that rebellious edge only added to my want to make my own way. All in all I’ve been moving down that highway of independence for a long time.

And now I stand at the beginning of the road to Dependence. It’s a little like that image I’ve always had when reading Frost, The Road Less Traveled. It’s dark down that road. I stand shifting my weight from right to left, twisting my hair, a little, “grrrr” escapes my mouth, a little stomp my foot. There is a rustling in the trees behind me, I turn quickly and catch a shadow of something before it leaps behind a tree trunk. Dang Ego, I know its there, waiting to catch me unawares so that I veer off this path ahead. It whispers sometimes in the wind, “You need to be in control, you need your things, your comfort, you don’t want to give that up to chance do you? To something, someone, some universe thing you can’t see or have no proof that it will provide for you?’ Do I detect a bit of sarcasm in that wind? “Please how can you call yourself an independent strong woman if you can’t take care of yourself?” Hmm you may have a point there, right, how can I? I turn to the tree trunk that Ego is whispering from behind. “How can I step backwards in this day and age when women have come so far? Trust someone else, a man? It’s like back tracking 60 years, or less really.” Ego puts a foot out from behind the tree, an eye peaks around, a hand, then slowly it emerges braver as it feeds on my words. “You know the only person you can really depend upon is yourself, and really what will people say?” Oh now that did it, and it was really doing so well, but Ego got too big there, that is the one thing I hate, “I am not the product of other people’s opinions,” I lash back the spell of our little conversation now broken. And with that I turn round again towards that path, and I see there are going to be some hills, I hate hills, but I’m getting stronger, and I see there are a few narrow passages on some slippery slopes, but I’ve been working on my balance, and then I see at the end a bit of light, and all the sudden I get a vision of a great big smile and a pair of green eyes. A different breeze wraps its words around my head, “it’s going to be okay, trust,” And I know that I am not depending on someone else really, but depending on the universe to provide.

“Okay so here I go universe,” I’m officially stepping onto that road to dependence, I hope to hell it is not as hard as that road to independence was, but for good measure I grab a rock and fling it back at Ego, catching it square in the eye that was peaking round that tree. A sharp screech, and a ‘damn girl,’ escapes, but the new breeze drowns in out as I turn down the road to dependence. Dare I sing a rendition of I’m off to see the wizard? Perhaps a little,’I’m off to be a writer, an adventurer and a lover. I may get a little help along the way, but that’s its all apart of the plan, because because because because because, because, because I Intend to be happy,do do dododo . ..’ Yeah that really didn’t work, did it? Good attempt though I’d say, I’ll stick to humming.