Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.” ~ mary anne radmacher

(thanks mom)

The Road to Dependence and How I fought the Ego Bandit

I have spent my career thus far preaching to parents to please allow your youngsters independence in order to aid their natural development. Granted I am talking about letting them walk for themselves, put on their own clothes, solve their own problems when the glue runs out how will they attach the cut out turkey to the card for Grandma. And I have spent my entire adolescence and twenties wanting to do it my way, without depending on anyone.

Since 11 I’ve had an income. Babysitting money, pizza parlor money, walking beans, detasselling corn, waiting tables and the list goes on. I worked ever summer since I could drive, and in Iowa I got away with that by age 14 and a half. I remembered the hard times growing up, the grocery bags delivered by the church do-gooders, the scrimping. It didn’t effect me too much then, I just went outside and made mud pies and climbed trees, but I saw what effect it had on my parents and I didn’t want to ever be a burden, it was obvious that lack of money made people angry and sad. Of course as a teenager that rebellious edge only added to my want to make my own way. All in all I’ve been moving down that highway of independence for a long time.

And now I stand at the beginning of the road to Dependence. It’s a little like that image I’ve always had when reading Frost, The Road Less Traveled. It’s dark down that road. I stand shifting my weight from right to left, twisting my hair, a little, “grrrr” escapes my mouth, a little stomp my foot. There is a rustling in the trees behind me, I turn quickly and catch a shadow of something before it leaps behind a tree trunk. Dang Ego, I know its there, waiting to catch me unawares so that I veer off this path ahead. It whispers sometimes in the wind, “You need to be in control, you need your things, your comfort, you don’t want to give that up to chance do you? To something, someone, some universe thing you can’t see or have no proof that it will provide for you?’ Do I detect a bit of sarcasm in that wind? “Please how can you call yourself an independent strong woman if you can’t take care of yourself?” Hmm you may have a point there, right, how can I? I turn to the tree trunk that Ego is whispering from behind. “How can I step backwards in this day and age when women have come so far? Trust someone else, a man? It’s like back tracking 60 years, or less really.” Ego puts a foot out from behind the tree, an eye peaks around, a hand, then slowly it emerges braver as it feeds on my words. “You know the only person you can really depend upon is yourself, and really what will people say?” Oh now that did it, and it was really doing so well, but Ego got too big there, that is the one thing I hate, “I am not the product of other people’s opinions,” I lash back the spell of our little conversation now broken. And with that I turn round again towards that path, and I see there are going to be some hills, I hate hills, but I’m getting stronger, and I see there are a few narrow passages on some slippery slopes, but I’ve been working on my balance, and then I see at the end a bit of light, and all the sudden I get a vision of a great big smile and a pair of green eyes. A different breeze wraps its words around my head, “it’s going to be okay, trust,” And I know that I am not depending on someone else really, but depending on the universe to provide.

“Okay so here I go universe,” I’m officially stepping onto that road to dependence, I hope to hell it is not as hard as that road to independence was, but for good measure I grab a rock and fling it back at Ego, catching it square in the eye that was peaking round that tree. A sharp screech, and a ‘damn girl,’ escapes, but the new breeze drowns in out as I turn down the road to dependence. Dare I sing a rendition of I’m off to see the wizard? Perhaps a little,’I’m off to be a writer, an adventurer and a lover. I may get a little help along the way, but that’s its all apart of the plan, because because because because because, because, because I Intend to be happy,do do dododo . ..’ Yeah that really didn’t work, did it? Good attempt though I’d say, I’ll stick to humming.

Never Underestimate the Power of No Power

The title allures to something more ambiguous then what is in fact the case, but I like it, don’t you? Really what I am talking about is the lack of power, electricity you know. It has become normal to expect and experience the rolling black outs on the little island I inhabit, Sometimes they occur at the most inopportune moments as last Wednesday when I was just stepping into the shower before work, all yucky from having not showered the day before because I hate baths as much as a cat, but that is another story. But sometimes it seems even CUC (our local corrupt power company) is all knowing and can see that what you really need is to put up the hammock, watch the stars, feel the wind blow, and look at all the lights below, because we share our power outages equally one village at a time now, and still your mind and get back to reality.

I had been working and going so strong the past week, reliving my days of college where I pulled all nighters and sat in front of the computer for hours. I was reminded why I did not stay in graphic design school, and that I could do that because I didn’t have class from noon to 2 and could take a nap. You see I was putting together a presentation for the parents at the school, and of course I wanted it to be a gift, wonderful, fabulous, and of course it was just okay, if i had been up to date on my programs it could have been better, and over in 2 hours, and probably soon forgotten. I’m still working on catching up on sleep though. And the funny thing about it is that I all of a sudden became self conscience and insecure about the whole thing, down to what I had hurriedly put on in attempts to be cool (meaning not sweating like a pig cause it is hot here). Then to top it off my boss asks, ‘when it is just finishing up, how much longer?’ Grrr that they suggested this event knowing I was the only one who could put it together like it was my punishment for leaving. Okay, okay, not really, but . . .

It was completely ridiculous. What I was feeling. I know. Yet there is something about being a known figure in a small island responsible for small children, and darned good at that, but you feel a bit as if you are a fish in a fish bowl and everyone is staring at you, judging you and you are never good enough in their small community gossip eyes, and once in awhile you get to step out of your role but then you feel all unprofessional. So there I was in the middle of the slide show, and I looked down. ‘Oh my god, I’m showing too much cleavage!’ Am I dressed inappropriately? But I was soo sweaty hot, I had to find something cool. ‘Oh no, there is a picture of me and children at the water park, I’m in a bikini top! How did I miss that? They must think I’m too risqué, they must think I put that picture in on purpose!’

And it went on, and on, and on. I spent three nights and days hardly sleeping in order to go through the 2,000 photos to put on something wonderful and meaningful complete with a soundtrack, and all I wanted to do was hide at the end and get out of there as quick as I could. I have to say I will be glad and interested in what it is going to be like as a community member as opposed to a teacher next year. And I also have a sneaking feeling that I really shouldn't give a damn what others think.

But back to no power. No power and the blessing of hammocks. I’m sooo thankful that my sweet heart put the hammocks up before he left for his tour. I don’t know that I would enjoy those power outages as much if I couldn’t swing and look up at the stars. And breathe. And write. Yes I was writing in that hammock. You couldn’t have realized this by just a glance but I had a whole slew of stories and vignettes and what not being devised in that hammock no paper nessecary.

So tonight I am thankful, I am thankful that I live on an island that still reminds us all we are lucky to experience the luxury of power, and as of May 1st they decided to really make it a luxury by doubling the power rates that were already higher then any 24 hour Wal-Mart in the states for a two bedroom apartment. I think they figured that if we can pay $4.44 per gallon then we must have enough for power. Or perhaps they are thinking that we need to just get rid of some of the riff raff on island and this was the best tactic, okay now I am falling into the sarcastic negativity. Really it’s not negativity, just a finding the funny in it all.

But I am thankful because in that hammock I gave pause to the silliness of the world and was reminded of rule #6 –DON’T TAKE YOURSELF SO DAMNED SERIOUSLY. In that light I am happy to be the foxy kindergarten teacher who shows too much cleavage. And I am happy that I have cleavage at all. I still find that fascinating as I never had it before a few years ago, sometimes it catches me off guard that I am an adult. And I am happy that there is no power and I get to lounge in a hammock, and even when there is power I have to shut it off so I can afford water, did I mention I picked this time to quite my job, and I am thankful that even though I find myself worrying about that lack of a paycheck that I know I wont starve cause that sweet heart of mine won’t let me, and I am thankful that that sweet heart can be thousands of miles away right now but still calls me to warn me of a possible tropical storm so I can stock up on water, pickles, dog food, and wine, and I am thankful that the truck gets me up the mountain every day despite the weird knocking sounds and the gas tank you can only put $40 in cause there are holes above the 10 gallon level that will leak. And I am thankful for a community of parents smart enough to put their children with our school and me. And I am thankful for my little munchkins, and I am thankful for reminders never to forget how to be a dragon (thank you, you know who for that – I just transferred that picture from my classroom to my home) and I am thankful for walks up Suicide cliff with dogs and friends. And I am thankful for realizing that I’ve been trying to be so darned philosophical with this whole blog that I forgot to just be me.

Hell I’m just thankful.

Everything Begins with a Thought

“What we think we become,” Buddha said. "For as he thinks within himself, so he is." Proverbs 23:7. Many wise men and women have said it in many different ways, but what it comes down to is your thoughts have a huge power over who you are and what you become.

Cleaning out that water damage I was able to take note of the thought processes that were creating within me something that I was not. I had to replace those thought processes with, I hate the word positive as it sounds like a therapists office, good energy thoughts. I AM. I am important, I am wanted, I am worthwhile, I am good, I am valued. I had to laugh thinking about how over the years I struggled with the idea that I wasn’t important enough. I was intent on proving that I was worthwhile, yet often those inner thoughts brought out the negative actions – enabling, people pleasing, self degrading . . . Funny cause so often I get mislabeled as confident and self actualizing, oh the power of becoming those characters of books. So gone away are those. I am, I am, I am Good. And I Intend to be Happy.

And as I think about what I Am, for it is I am, not what I’m going to be, I have to giggle. I feel a little like when my sisters and I were really young and we would cut out pictures from the JCPenny catalog designing our lives. Wishbooking as Grandma called it. Really that is what I am doing now. I am surrounding myself with what I want to be and do. I’m working on staying away from the negative music, books, movies, people, places that are going to keep me down. Later when I am in a better place I know that I will be able take the negativity of the world in a different way, as there is not a way to avoid it completely as of yet, but I gotta get the tools first. It’s funny, but I keep getting little reminders that I have work to, don’t go there yet, you’re not ready.

There is a space between the window and the bench outside of my classroom. Parents often sit their waiting for their children. I put a framed calligraphy of quotes, “Children Learn What the Live,” in August of 2007. I forgot about until recently.

If children live with criticism,they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility,they learn to fight.
If children live with ridicule,they learn to feel shy.
If children live with shame,they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with tolerance,they learn patience.
If children live with praise,they learn appreciation.
If children live with fairness,they learn justice.
If children live with security,they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness,they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

I am that child once again, and if I am going to learn to Live with Intention, I must surround myself with what I intend.