When I picked her up from the airport I hardly recognized her. The feeling was mutual as she hugged me and asked in disbelief, “who are you?” Funny, that’s just the question that I had been asking myself for the past 6 months, the past year. As we drove from the airport I had a sudden feeling that I was old. No longer was I the younger sister, no longer was I just starting out, but in her eyes I saw that I was old, that we had both grown and changed, that life had given each of us joys and pains, that I was no longer learning from her, but we were learning from each other. It was the beginning of three weeks with my oldest sister in a country far from the place we’d grown up. It would be the most time we have been together since we were both girls living in the same house. Three weeks together, sharing a room, a bed, meals, and life.
I was struck at the internal reactions that I experienced in the build up to seeing her and then in the first week of her being with me. She represented more then just herself, she represented my whole family, all that I had been working to forgive and let go of, all that I was trying to understand about myself, who I was and wanted to be. I had written down my intentions for the trip before I left: to have a peaceful and meaningful trip with my sister, to find balance, clarity, understanding, to find love for myself. I didn’t feel that she needed to know what I was working on. I recognized that it was mine to work on, not hers.
It seems funny. A sibling, or any family member for that matter, is the one person in your life that you are never really introduced to, yet you are a part of each other for your whole existence. There is no, ‘nice to meet you, tell me about yourself.’ Even if you have not lived near each other for ten years, you still pick up right where you left off. The time that has past, the little details, ups and downs not recognized, life journeys are overlooked and immediately you are 12 again and fighting over a shirt.
A sister is like a mirror, in which you scrutinize the image more then anyone else in the world for the simple fact that you are made from the same people and have had the exact experiences to a point. Making them become the closest glimpse into what your life would be like if you had taken a different path, and the closest glimpse into who you are now.
Within each other we see what we are and what we are not.
We compared, sometimes out loud, sometimes inwardly, bodies, clothes, wrinkles, choices, fears, accomplishments, failures, lives. Even the way we spoke. Mannerisms from our parents manifested within us in different ways – proving we were cut from the same cloth. And there is the competition. I’m not a competitor at heart, but with a sister it is there just slightly. She jumped off the cliff, so I had to. I went down to the ocean floor so she had to. Or perhaps we were just showing each other what we both were capable of.
The one thing that was still there immediately, the one thing that gave us a forgotten glimpse of the tie that binds us forever was always apparent at night time. Lying in bed we were once again school girls teasing each other, throwing out jokes and smart ass comments, giggling. An unspoken understanding that we were the same no matter what different choices we made. That we were in the same boat and would be for the rest of our lives.
When you have been gone a long time, it can be easy to not address the past. It is easier to forget on the exterior. But that water damage is still there. And I knew I had to fix those leaks if I was ever going to be the person I wanted to be. I started that work months ago, really a year ago. However, my sister was an important part in the mending process; she represented me in so many ways. In the first weeks I went from angry, to sad, to bitter. I fought tears in the showers of the spas where we pampered ourselves. And I started to close up again.
Then one day I wrote it out, I wrote and wrote and wrote and I gave it up. I had begun understanding a while ago what negative patterns I had and where they might have stemmed from, but I hadn’t been ready to let them go. There was a part of me that still clung to them. My sister’s presence helped me to say goodbye to those patterns, to separate myself from the bondage of the past. To no longer be defined by anything but the present.
It was freeing. It was freeing to finally be able to be a person, and not a family member, to see her as the beautiful person she was and not just my sister, not just the mirror to my mistakes. To recognize that we were both on different paths, we had different journeys in this life, but we were both beautiful amazing and wonderful people and I was glad to make her acquaintance. She helped me to find unconditional love for myself, and for my family. And for that I am forever
grateful to her.
And the beautiful thing about it all is that unspoken binding. In the end, after three weeks together, those initial representations, those initial feelings were gone. And we were sisters. Through it all, no matter what has happened or will, we loved each other and knew that we would always be there for each other.
When we parted, I had tears in my eyes again. This time my tears were full of love and gratitude. I am thankful for this person who I am almost identical to yet completely different from, this person for whom I am bound to forever. This amazing woman who is on an amazing journey, doing the best she can, ever growing, ever learning, ever loving. This Friend.
I was struck at the internal reactions that I experienced in the build up to seeing her and then in the first week of her being with me. She represented more then just herself, she represented my whole family, all that I had been working to forgive and let go of, all that I was trying to understand about myself, who I was and wanted to be. I had written down my intentions for the trip before I left: to have a peaceful and meaningful trip with my sister, to find balance, clarity, understanding, to find love for myself. I didn’t feel that she needed to know what I was working on. I recognized that it was mine to work on, not hers.
It seems funny. A sibling, or any family member for that matter, is the one person in your life that you are never really introduced to, yet you are a part of each other for your whole existence. There is no, ‘nice to meet you, tell me about yourself.’ Even if you have not lived near each other for ten years, you still pick up right where you left off. The time that has past, the little details, ups and downs not recognized, life journeys are overlooked and immediately you are 12 again and fighting over a shirt.
A sister is like a mirror, in which you scrutinize the image more then anyone else in the world for the simple fact that you are made from the same people and have had the exact experiences to a point. Making them become the closest glimpse into what your life would be like if you had taken a different path, and the closest glimpse into who you are now.
Within each other we see what we are and what we are not.
We compared, sometimes out loud, sometimes inwardly, bodies, clothes, wrinkles, choices, fears, accomplishments, failures, lives. Even the way we spoke. Mannerisms from our parents manifested within us in different ways – proving we were cut from the same cloth. And there is the competition. I’m not a competitor at heart, but with a sister it is there just slightly. She jumped off the cliff, so I had to. I went down to the ocean floor so she had to. Or perhaps we were just showing each other what we both were capable of.
The one thing that was still there immediately, the one thing that gave us a forgotten glimpse of the tie that binds us forever was always apparent at night time. Lying in bed we were once again school girls teasing each other, throwing out jokes and smart ass comments, giggling. An unspoken understanding that we were the same no matter what different choices we made. That we were in the same boat and would be for the rest of our lives.
When you have been gone a long time, it can be easy to not address the past. It is easier to forget on the exterior. But that water damage is still there. And I knew I had to fix those leaks if I was ever going to be the person I wanted to be. I started that work months ago, really a year ago. However, my sister was an important part in the mending process; she represented me in so many ways. In the first weeks I went from angry, to sad, to bitter. I fought tears in the showers of the spas where we pampered ourselves. And I started to close up again.
Then one day I wrote it out, I wrote and wrote and wrote and I gave it up. I had begun understanding a while ago what negative patterns I had and where they might have stemmed from, but I hadn’t been ready to let them go. There was a part of me that still clung to them. My sister’s presence helped me to say goodbye to those patterns, to separate myself from the bondage of the past. To no longer be defined by anything but the present.
It was freeing. It was freeing to finally be able to be a person, and not a family member, to see her as the beautiful person she was and not just my sister, not just the mirror to my mistakes. To recognize that we were both on different paths, we had different journeys in this life, but we were both beautiful amazing and wonderful people and I was glad to make her acquaintance. She helped me to find unconditional love for myself, and for my family. And for that I am forever
grateful to her.And the beautiful thing about it all is that unspoken binding. In the end, after three weeks together, those initial representations, those initial feelings were gone. And we were sisters. Through it all, no matter what has happened or will, we loved each other and knew that we would always be there for each other.
When we parted, I had tears in my eyes again. This time my tears were full of love and gratitude. I am thankful for this person who I am almost identical to yet completely different from, this person for whom I am bound to forever. This amazing woman who is on an amazing journey, doing the best she can, ever growing, ever learning, ever loving. This Friend.
